Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache. You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor, and picks it up. You are the one who feeds it, who clothes it, who tucks it into bed, and you should be proud of that. Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is trying to bleed you dry, that is the strongest thing in the universe.
i am bigger than you.
I watched a few episodes of the first season of OITNB unethusiastically (When it first came out) but today I started to watch again and holy god almighty is all I have to say. If we’re still in this together then there’s nowhere left to go but up, so taking it day by day and doing things differently is all I can do anymore. It took me 21 years to learn how to braid and now I can’t stop. I’d love to cut four inches off my hair but I’d also love to keep it at it’s length in all it’s dead, straw-like glory. I cleaned way too much today and sometimes you have to take advantage of those moods. I also need to start running harder. Yeah, let’s do that. I pray evvvverything goes smoothly next Tuesday and my calc book is gonna be my best friend in about T-20 hours. The starbucks people know my name. It’s cute. Not really.
Calculus sucks balls but nothing, NOTHING is worse than Chemistry. I take that back, maybe after the fall semester I’ll wish I had general instead of Organic. I absolutely love where we are at right now -in this exact moment. I’m so proud of myself for putting myself out there and not caring and being weird because that’s nothing else than what I am. How do you get a million thousand dollars without lifting a finger? Sometimes I get really sad when I think about my lack of social life. Sometimes I get really, really sad when I think about how I won’t see my soulmate as much this school year. Sometimes I get really, really, really sad when I think about May 2015. But let’s not think. At all. Except about calculus cause I have an exam in a week. Physics starts on Monday and I know for damn well that July will fly by. I can’t wait to touch my boyfriend. Take that how you want to, I mean it in both ways. What’s the difference between fighting and arguing? Rule number one, never try to outsmart your uterus. Because it will rebel and hate you and fuck you up real good. I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do to get into optometry school. Can someone teach me how to walk in heels? Sometimes all I want is to be thin and toned and I try and try to remind myself that I am not defined by that but most of the time I don’t listen to myself. I’ve always thought I was okay with my body but I clearly haven’t come to accept it as it is. And more importantly —accept the fact that I will never look like the girls that I want to look like. Don’t even pull the “If you don’t love your body how will anyone else?” bullshit on me, because by saying that you are inferring that I am insecure and that I feel sorry for myself and I know it sounds like the very definition of those two but I am a girl and sometimes I just need to be a girl for a minute, okay? Tell me it’s okay to feel like this sometimes, and that everything I am is enough for you. Tell me that instead. All I want to do is sleep in, and starting next week my mornings will start a lot earlier. Here’s to parking passes, making connections, staying motivated, and studying your fucking ass off.
Yeah yeah yeah, you say this shit’s important to you. But we both know it’s not. It’s not because you never ask, and it’s not because it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall when I actually have the nerve to speak up. And of course it’s not your fault or even because of you that I think everything and anything I have to say isn’t important, but don’t act like you don’t contribute to it. Don’t act like you actually make an effort to know what’s “going on” in my life. Have you ever once asked? No. And if you even have the audicity to say you do is complete bullshit. I mean, to not hear from you all day and then have you come at me like that is fucking stupid. Like, bye.
the only things you will learn in college are the things you have taught to yourself.